Wednesday, April 20, 2011

My Heart Is Taken By Someone I can't Call As My Own


2 weeks ago, I got addicted to FB (again?). I'm literally clicking almost every application and link that the site offers. From it's homepage, careers, developers down to its terms and condition not to mention account settings.

I also had time to visit all of my friends profile to check what's new in their life until I saw Cosplay's page. Her page was like the usual, with wall posts, pictures, information and friend list. It was ordinary, except for one, the pictures below her name were replaced by a "Profile Banner". A banner that says,

"DON'T PLAY WITH ME COZ I KNOW I PLAY BETTER THAN YOU"

Out of curiosity, I clicked the link to check the site. As expected, the website has a lot of categories to choose from such as TV, Designs, Statements, Movies etc. I was browsing and browsing until suddenly, one of the banners really caught my attention. The banner profile says,

"I'M SINGLE BUT MY HEART IS TAKEN BY SOMEONE I CAN'T CALL AS MY OWN"

"Ouch!" It pinched my heart and I don't know why. I relaxed for a while then I realized that I'm thinking of a specific person, his name is LIONHEAD.

Lionhead is a 27year old Psychology graduate from one of the prestigious universities here in Manila. Btw, he's turning 28 this May (Advance hehehe). I met him on the so called "Forbidden Site" right after my relationship with Tumblr. He's good looking, 5'8", with white complexion. Oh, did I mention he looks like a Korean Popstar ^^

At first, I wasn't paying too much attention on him because like the usual, the conversation might lead to same thing again -- SEX which I mention on my previous blog as "not my priority". Fortunately, our conversation didn't boil down to Es Ee Ex. so day after day, I learned to appreciate him. Maybe because we have so many things in common. We both love Anime, we read Manga and most importantly, we believe in Zodiacs! Yup! you read it right, Zodiac Signs^^

Understanding zodiac is a big deal for me. With this, people learned how to appreciate other people by understanding their positive and negative character and behavior. People will know how to adjust with others because they became more aware and knowledgeable with other people's personality. The Zodiac binds us together.

Anyway, with Lionhead, I'm not really into him (That's what I thought) Why? Because like the usual Taurean, they are self-centered. They want attention but they don't know how to give it. They are the usual kind of guys who will just text you if they want want to. When you send them text message, expect a reply from them in a couple of hours or worse after a day or 2. And the irritating part is, when they finally text you, they will just say "hi" or "hello" as if nothing happened. They don't know how to apologize.

I got tired of his behavior. I got tired to a point where I allowed my self to be involved with another guy... His name is SILENCE.

Silence is just an ordinary type of guy who knows how to appreciate the person he really love. The problem is, he rarely talks. It was a very short yet memorable relationship with Silence because we seldom, if not never communicate at all. I tried to do small talks but he always failed to reciprocate. As far as I know, Communication is a two way process, without any response from the other side, that can no longer be considered as communication. If it's one way communication, it's dead end.... which means end of relationship.

Right after the break up, surprisingly, I receive an anonymous text message. I replied by saying "Who is this?". Then I received another text asking, "Bobby Tan?" I replied again, "Yes, this is he? Who is this?" then the anonymous person text, "Si Lionhead to. Binura mo number ko". I replied, "Ikaw pala yan Lionhead. Kmusta?"

The conversation was spontaneous. We even talk over the phone but I know something was weird. It's not the same Lionhead I know. He's replying to my text messages in seconds. He's giving me too much attention. Then one time I asked him, "Bakit mo ako kinakausap uli". Then he said, "wala naman, na excite lang ako. Ikaw bakit mo binura number ko?" he said it in a pa-cute voice. Then I reply, "Bakit ko naman hindi buburahin eh hindi ka naman nag rereply? Pag nag text ako sayo, ilang oras bago ka magreply. Minsan nga ilang araw pa nga. anong point para i save ko pa number mo? Alam mo yun. Naiinis ako pag di ka nag rereply pero hindi naman dapat kasi wala ka namang obligasyon saking mag reply. Tapos pag nag reply ka pa wala man lang kinalaman sa huling text ko. Ayoko ng ganon" I said it in an irritating tone. I was expecting an argument with him but he only said, "Sorry" in a very soft voice.

I felt something different when he said that word. Is it love? Nah! I tried to deny the feeling but I can't. I'm not sure what it was but one thing is for sure, he's someone special.

We then decided to finally meet however due to their company's schedule shift bid, he won't make it on our agreed date. He sent a text, "Bobby, nagbago sched ko may shift bidding kasi. Friday ako avail this week :-( may pasok ako ngayon wed morning. Nasa work ako" I replied, "Sad naman. Siguro nga not meant to be. Hindi ako pwede sa friday, nasa Baguio ako non". He then replied, "Naku ang arte naman, pls dnt say that. Kelan balik mo?" I replied again, "Sa sunday pa". The next message he sent was, "Pano ung bday treat mo for me? :-(" A bit irritated I replied, "Nakukuha mo pang magbiro?" I was expecting an annoying response but his next message stupefied me, "Sorry :-( making it light sa situation lang. Uhm dnt give up on me"

That message was really sweet. I still have it on my phone.

We tried to reschedule our date but it never worked out. This time, it's not about our schedule but his self-centered character. He wanted me to meet him in Alabang! I'm in Manila and he lives in Alabang. I said, "Let's meet half way but he's not willing to adjust. I got irritated so I texted him, "Kung hindi mo kayang mag adjust, wag na nga lang magkita". I did not receive any reply from him.

That was really sad. It's sad because I'm holding on to something we never really had.

So here I am, I'm Single, but my heart is taken by someone I can't call as my own...

22 comments:

Battosai said...

I feel for you darksoul, I've been single forever but my heart belonged to someone. It pains like hell but I must admit that the prince I've been eying from a far had already set his eyes to someone else. Well, I guess that's the irony of life. At least I got to be with him and that's enough for now.

Don't worry, if kau, kau talaga. I remember a friend saying this " ang isang bagay pag 'di mo na hinahanap saka magpapakita" ^^ so let it flow pahinugin mo muna. =)

DARKSOUL said...

Thanks Battosai! I will always remember that ^^

Anonymous said...

I feel for Silence. It's true that communication is necessary in a relationship but if you really love that person you will also learn how to love his personality and help him improve that. I think Silence also feel the same way as you... "His Heart Is Taken By Someone He can't Call As His Own" :(

DARKSOUL said...

Hi Anonymous,

Thank you for reading my blog and thank you for your comment.

I understand your point regarding Silence however please understand that what I put on my blog was just a part of our predicaments. We also had some problems that I did not include on my blog simply because the entry was not intended for "Silence" but for "Lionhead"

Maybe, in time, I will write a separate post for him ^^

Again, thank you^^

Battosai said...

Darksoul is a spontaneous type of person, though selfish and self centered sometimes, he wants challenges and new things, if he feels stagnant even if he loves silence (kaya?!) he would have to let go for he feels no growth anymore. =)

DARKSOUL said...

Is it just me or was the last post of Battossai's really negative ^^

Why do I have this feeling that Battosai's post was a double-edged swords?

hehehe^^

Battosai said...

It was just you Darksoul, hehe^^ but I must admit you are really a very smart thing it is a double edge sword in did.

DARKSOUL said...

That's what I thought (lolz)

But why are you referring to me as a "thing" hahaha^^

Battosai said...

Hey please don't get me wrong it's just a term I can use instead of saying "that person/creation" what ever you call it ^^

DARKSOUL said...

isa lang masasabi ko....

Patola?

hahahaha^^

DARKSOUL said...

Someone send me a message on facebook and would like me to post this comment on her behalf because she can't see the "CAPTCHA" code (hahaha)

She would like to speak in behalf of her co-Taureans. Here it is...


..oh la la my friend!!

you damn know im taurean..hahaha!

ok fine..let's do this point by point.. (patola!)

yes..correct! we don't reply on time..this is not the first time i annoyed someone..simply because i didn't reply..heck..may mga taong kiti kitext talaga...it just that we are not that people...so when we reply...it means we are giving our personal time to that person..we take time seriously...so maybe this is not a valid excuse for some..but when we do contact someone..it means we value that person..regardless how long it took us to respond..

next..self centered??...maybe! haha! eh sino bang hindi??!!

not saying sorry??...yes..i admit..we dont apologize that much...we let the situation marinate on its own..pag tingin namin..its time to apologize..we say sorry..my point is..why say sorry when you don't mean it?..i hate people who keeps on saying sorry but not being sincere at all

..but in behalf of all taureans.. im sorry..darksoul, we just don't commit easily...its hard for us to trust..much more to love.. betrayal is the greatest sin we believe!

patience is what we ask..we test the water before we sail..we don't take risks..we plan ahead...boring? but you have to admit..that we taureans can handle the relationship because of this character...

if there's one thing i can guarantee you..when a taurean loves someone..we give our hearts...no questions asked..we are loyal and faithful...we are self centered..yes..but we become self less once we fall in love...

this taurean you like..believe it or not..likes you as well..heck..may even love you..we dont go back to the old paths but when we do...we are willing to travel with the one we treasure the most...

DARKSOUL said...

Hi Friend,

Thank you for your very short comment^^

First, you said it yourself, "PATOLA".

Second, I understand your point however you can never speak on behalf of all Taureans. You know Why? Because according to Penumbra Constellation Chambers, The general characteristics of all signs are subdivided into two -- for Male and Femal sign.

Since you are a Female Taurean, it contradicts the statement on my post which was intended for a Male Taurean. My apology if I failed to use the term "Male Taurean" on my blog.

Anyhow, Your character might have similarities with him but still both of you undeniably have unique individual personalities. You can't compare yourself with the other.

Thank you for reading my blog^^

eldrigemichael said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
eldrigemichael said...

Well done Taurean Girl! I'm standing and applauding while reading your comments ^^

@Krad- the heck with the Penumbra Constellation Chambers! lol

to sum it up... (marinate the experience of reading this post~haha!) two thumbs up :-)

April 24, 2011 2:23 PM

DARKSOUL said...

A very supportive friend indeed! Hehehe!

I must admit though that I like the last statement of taurean girl. And I quote,

"this taurean you like..believe it or not..likes you as well..heck..may even love you..we dont go back to the old paths but when we do...we are willing to travel with the one we treasure the most..."

kenshin said...

i can see i am in this situation right now, come to think of it, its even more "complicated". I can't think of exact words to describe the situation that will lessen the burden at my side, but guess that's reality! I can see his effort, its been three months, everyday text message but of course not at night cause "di pwede" - lets just say that. After three months i can say he had touched my heart deeply...too deep that i can say i am emotionally attached wherein i promise myself not to get emotionally attached. I feel stupid because I allow this relationship to go on and yet i know there is no future, he kept on saying there is something to wait for, i admire him that he had this faith wherein I myself honestly don't have. My mind says to stop cause it can never happen, but my hearts say " dont't stop and have faith" even if it hurts. I don't know how to end this comment but Thanks Darksoul for such blog entries cause at least I have someone to share my sentiments......: )

DARKSOUL said...

Hi kenshin, thank you for reading my blog.

The good thing about blogging is you will realize that your story is also other people's story. Most of the time we ask the question, "why me?" without knowing that this also happen to others. What differentiate us from them is the way we handle the situation. Though we're always in an impasse, we still have a way to make things better. one of which is our abity to write what we trully feel to at least ease the burden because we know that somebody is always ready to listen.

I know, in time, the person you can't call as your own will be yours beyond forever. If in case that would not happen, don't be sad coz that only means you will have someone better ^^

kenshin said...

@darksoul - it really had lessen the burden knowing that not only me, and also its very comforting that there is always one person meant for you.....I like that the better one.....looking forward to see more stories....: )

DARKSOUL said...

@kenshin- thank you!

Anonymous said...

hello tl bob.. what can i say?? this post really hit me and it did pretty badly.. not only because i understand how you feel but maybe because i am feeling how you feel.. sometimes i am asking what did i do to deserve to be in this kind of situation? And as much as i wanted to make things better, i cant.. coz those short moments we share and those little attention i get is too much for me to feel loved and cherished.. I wanna have him as my own but i cant and i wont because i know i will never be right for him.. TAMA NA SAKEN YUNG NGAYON.. MASAYA NA AKO SA KUNG ANONG MERON NGAYON.. BAHALA NA KUNG MAY BUKAS.. ANG MAHALAGA MARAMDAMAN NYA NGAYON NA MAHAL NA MAHAL KO SYA..(haha.. tama bang dito ako mag-emote??)

DARKSOUL said...

Hi Anonymous!

This is one of the oldest yet one of the closest post in my heart. I don't know who you are but I'm definitely sure that you're someone from work.

I dont exactly know your situation but sometimes loving a person from a distance is much better than having them as your boyfriend.

I admire you for being so brave to love him unconditionally though you know that it tears your heart into pieces. Not all people can show their love for a person without expecting anything in return.

In time, he will just be part of a very good memory then you will love again. No doubt you will find someone you really deserve. In time, you can proudly say that your heart is taken by someone you CAN call as your own.

Thank you for reading my blog!

Stay safe...

Anonymous said...

Well said.. Thanks.. I love the word "unconditional" .. He won't be just a memory.. He is a part of me.. We may not end up together but he'll take a piece of my heart that he alone can have.. As of now, I am really contented with what we have.. I look forward to have more beautiful days to enjoy with him. Am I from work? Hmmmmn.. :)